Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW !

New , No matter what language what you speak; Spanish , French, Nepali,Chinese, you know what new means. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines new as not old : recently born, built, or created. The Oxford online dictionary defines new as not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time . That's exactly what I plan to do for 2014 , be the person that no one new exist , I won't be the old me anymore , and people are going to discover something new about me . 

I hate the way I was this year so depressing and saying all these awful things about myself , never believing in anything , never wishing for anything good , staying in my comfort zone  and it wasn't just this year last year too but this time I am going to do something about it . I know I've said it before , I know I've tried to before but this time I really want to try and change for the better . I'm going to try to be a better person for myself and for the people around me . 

First Step is always admitting there is problem , most of the times I can say to myself Rae you need to stop hurting yourself but other times I ignore what I  am doing and just kind of let it become apart of my daily routine 1.Shower 2.Comment on how awful your body is 3.Brush teeth or 1.Do history homework 2.Tell yourself your worthless 3.Make dinner ,i mean that's basically how my day goes sadly but Today; right here, I will admit I Raeven have self-confidence issue and suffer from medium-levels of depression .

Second Step is too Go Shopping , for clothes that are cute but that also keep me comfortable . Everyday I get up and I put on clothes , I really don't care how I look . My hair I brush it , that's about it , I mean I do more than that but it really just looks brushed . I don't wear make-up , at all ! Maybe once a week ,twice a month do I put an outfit together and consider it cute. I want thing to change I want to like everything I wear and stop just wearing jacket over everything even in summer , yh ! I want to feel comfortable if someone is looking at me because if I don't , I will always be tense and never accept a compliment . So once I get enough money I will go shopping .

Third Step step out my comfort zone shoot not step but fly out my comfort zone. For awhile now maybe two years I have done nothing new , I dress the same ,I eat he same foods at school , I play the same games , I talk to the same people , I do everything the same it is time for something Nuovo . It is time to take more risk not I could kill myself risk but the I could find something new I like risk .

Fourth Step is to Change my attitude towards things that hurt me . Everything time I get hurt I just use it as a reason to feel sorry myself and to create a deeper whole inside me but it is time to stop ; from now on I will use it to build myself up , to make myself stronger ! If "plan A" doesn't work who cares the alphabet has 25 more letters.

Fifth Step is to open my heart back up; see this ------>[_____] ( imagine there's a top) , it is my wall , well it is coming down not all the way but partially . I hide too much and tend to stay in corners , how I am suppose to make new friends if my wall is there . My heart well it may take time to open up due the fact it is in about a million and one pieces ( fake friendship and failed crushes )  but I want be able to trust again and believe people who say they love me . Just a bit gotta learn to stop being afraid to get hurt .

Sixth Step is to except who and what I have in my life . There are some really awesome people in my life , who keep me smiling no matter what (most times ) . I don't really want to put there names in here but they should know who they are and how much it is I LOVE THEM . Sometimes I will say I have no real friends , or no one who has always got my back but that's the biggest lie I could ever tell . There are 6 people who I would probably die for if they needed me too , I would !! Matter of fact if i sent you the link to this that probably means your one of these people . To all I promise to stop ignoring you guys and/or treating you like crap . 

Seventh Step : GO back to being ME ; since my downfall I've been acting less like myself everyday whether if was trying to hard to fit in or saying something I probably really didn't mean . With the help of everything above I really think I an be me again  . I have been the 'broken" one for too long now , I am gonna be a light for all to see and maybe other people can learn from me .

So That is my New Years Resolution , I know most people bullshit theirs but I am going to really try hard to do this and if you know me then work with me please or like this if you think I can if you don't know me still like , just saying ! Happy New Years To All and heres to a less shitty and Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW  2014 !!!
  

In the Land Of Never

    My "nevers" can go on forever , I mean most can ! Only rich people can tell u there "Never" list is short and simple . Only difference to my never list and most others is the fact that the most important things only my never list are not material things . There are three things I always hoped for 1.A Family 2.A Bestfriend 3.To Find A Guy Who Doesn't look at me to judge me
     A Family ? I know Family is people realated to you by  blood and things of that matter but I want a family a father not a donor , a man to teach me how to be strong . I have a mom and even then I moved away when I was six and came back after I was 14 . I love her and I know she tells me she loves me and wanted me but how can you intenionally bring a child into the world knowing they wont have a father . A brother or sister doesnt really count but I kinda really would have liked someone I could of talked to when I feeling this way .
     A Bestfriend? I guess I have best friends but no bestfriend , by this I mean I have friend who I can trust and can hang out with but no one who Ive known forever or made thousands of memeories with , no one who I can say oh me and them go way back , no one I can cry to when I really feel like crap and no for sure there not going to be annoyed . I really feel so awful recently cause everyone around me seems to have a bestfriend . I mean i can never keep a friend anyone I get close too just either fades away, never gets close enough or I fade away . People say why are you crying over not having a bestfriend ? I can't give them a reason it just there that awful empty feeling I get in my heart when im crying or even when im so happy and want to tell someone I can't . I have one of the worlds greatest friends I always know shes around but it different itz like all those moments I was getting cussed at and she played a role in the background or the fact she never told me about her boyfriend .. I guess I can't blame her I never liked the guy  or the facy right  here I am typing it instead of telling her .
     A Guy Who Likes Me for Me ? Ive had guy friends all the time but never a guy I knew cause I liked them. All my guy friends are liked brothers and itz always been that way except one guy who made friends with me and I liked him but it came with pain 1.he was taken 2. i was moving 3.he didnt like me like that , the last one I knew like it was always there but I still let it get me , everythings all good now though i realized how stupid I was sounding ,  now hes just a great guyfriend who i talk too when I need a GOOD laugh ! But besides that I never really liked any guy I was friends with , now yh ive been in relationships but they all were a epic fails that lasted a month the most and I talk to no one of those guys now . I want a guy who sees me in the hallway and says she is cute let me make friends with her and actually purses that thought . But apparently acccording to the people I call friends I can be mean and unaproacble and accoring the most of the guys at my school im okay when it come to looks . And all my friend are pretty , beautiful ,
gorgeous anything synonyms  you can think of too those words !  Yeah u heard Im fucking jealous , I keep saying Rae you will grow into your body , Rae your time well come well i hit puberty in the six grade im in 10th now why the hell did I get left out . And okay if I am ugly then why cant I find a guy who likes ugly !
     Sigh , Sometimes i try hard to simle at the hard stuff but I cant be strong all the time .

Everybody Leaves OneDay

I guess I am cursed or something because I cant make a long lasting friendship at all. Something always happens . Like in prep school I had these friend Danae , Adrianna and Taylor . We were friends from 3 to 6th grade . Not like besties or anything but we were pretty cool . Then after 6th grade you go off to high school and we all went to seperate ones and thats was the end of that , we dnt ever talk  ! Then i got to high school and I had my friend Trisanya (currently my best friend i think) . We had made friends
in the 6th grade and we ended up in the same class for 1st form ( 7th grade) . Now I hated high school with a passion but there was still something that kept me there . Soon I made friends with these awesome girls Roianne and Jamiel .. these girls were awesome , had my back through most things except for a few bad spots .. I didnt think anything cud ever breakup these 3 awesome friendship then I finnaly got my wish to leave Jamaica and come back here but I guess all that time i never tought of the consequences .. when I left all I got was were gonna miss you , a few tears mostly from Roianne and the occasionalyy good riddens but I belived all this bull crap that people were really gonna miss me sad isnt it. I talk to Roianne and Jai maybe once a month .... and our convo arent about anything and never last .. these girls know shit about me I barely told myself :( ... then Trissy we tlk but for like 5 secs ans then itz just dead .. she called me yesterday and we tlked but then that was it .. it hurts cause these are the people that rescued me from myself , the ones that took me out the dark corner. Then I got here cried for weeks didnt think id ever fit in ( still dnt ) but freshmam year I manged to make atleast six friends awesome people ..  by the end of the year 2 moved , 2 basically stopped talking to me , 1 i never saw here anymore , but one lasted i spent most of Summer with her , Shabrieka was my ride or die forever then shit happened Sophmore year we didnt get any classes together not even lunch . Now were almost at the end of Soph Year and I have 5 friends , 1 barely talks to me  and is about to move , 1 i see every other day n we barely tlk  anymore , 1 i only have lunch with so we bearly see each other , 1 i got lunch and a class with but it the end of the semester which means things change nxt year and the last 1 words cannot explain how much of a lifesaver shes been , always there to make me eat when i dnt want to , always telling me not to make mistakes again , always there to tlk she is one awesome friend and now she might move too so yh Ill be alone by nxt semester .. now dnt get me wrong there are many people who i can always have a convo with in class or in the hall but i wnt have anyone to catch me when I fall which only means Im gonna fall again I am gonna crawl right back in that dark corner and whos gonba rescue me this time Im already half way there . Sigh .. Eh...Life

1,2,c,4,e,f "No! No ! 1,2,3,4,5,6" says society

Do you remember when you were little and you always said you want to grown up I bet you regret that ! As a child I was always jealous of the big kids but now I am that big kid and I am jealous of the little kids.They Live in a care-free world where the only thing that hurts the most is when the girl/guy you like steals your crayon , haha . Eh...Life ( you would know about that from the last post). This isn't me this isn't what I wanted to be , the depressed one , the sad girl or the broken one . I wanted to be that free spirited person living for me . I wanted to wear wateva the heck i freaking feel like but according to society i must wear skinny jeans and cute tops and make my hair cute well u know what Fuck Society .. If its the last thing i do before i finish high school i wanna start a Teens Against The Norm Club .. For teens who dnt follow every rule of society , all the big girls who still want to eat cupcakes , all the skinny girls who dnt try to overeat and get sick , for all the girls who haircuts cute stylish haircuts that fit them , the guys who don't swag , the ones who get the good grades and worry about the girls ltr , the guys who have amazing dreams and goals , the guys writing inspirational music like Jake Miller , even the gays n lesbians.. basically for anyone who wants to do their own thing but have no where to.... I'm sorry i don't want to be a lawyer or doctor , im sorry i suck at math but guesd what I write and never stop , im creative and I can act but those are not practical right ? I told my mom I wanted to major in theatre arts she nearly had a heart attack i think so i changed it to journalist and just hope for the best right cuz itz not my life itz her extra life she got when she didnt do what she wanted . I can't wait till I have children .. Today I make a promise to help keep their live stress free , to try hard to know if they need me and to hear them out before i shut their ideas down !!

Life...Eh

So I've had one hell of a few weeks . I'm an not sure how describe it is like I'm happy then I'm sad I'm happy then sad again but this week it has been sad then fake happy so you can keep others happy or those around you happy so I have not really been doing me . Don't get me wrong I am not this super happy care free person but I have been the bottle everything up and building a wall type of person and now I have no clue what is going in my life . I've actually been using that word as a response to everything like someone said I got two tests today I said Eh..Life , someone said I forgot I had to fix it I said again Eh...Life , I said it because I am not sure how to help people anymore . I use to be able to help anybody with most things now I don't what to say . Like my friend she has been crying and I usually know what to say but now I am just blurting out freaking folishness . Plus I fucked her day probaly her week and why I don't know probaly caused my life is so awful my brain was like c'mon Raeven let's fuck up and I feel so awful now I wanna go back and not say what I did and go beat up the person who started a rumor but I cannot because I have no clue who it is , the girl who told just rides my bus and I was walking with her n her friends cause my friend ditched me . I feel like crap ! Second time I fucked up like before
this week when I was the reason we burnt chocolate and messed up a fundraiser . Eh ... Life Right ! I've also been so frustrated things are not going right like in Vid Prod. Class im Director for the short film  and this little fucking white bitch keeps insulting me for no good reasons . I have hated her for awhile now and I shes just fueling the fire that is my fucked up life . Guess what else is frustrating my best friends are not around there all the way in a different country so it is like hard for me to talk to them espically this week like I was trying to talk to my guy bestfriend ( I guess that what he is) but we never can get online at the same time partly because I been so stressed I just wanna sleep and the fact that I have that sleeping disorder thingy starts with a N and it really hurts cause for some reason when I talk to everyone else they talk about the situation him he finds the best foolishness and weirdest stuff to say which makes me feel better and then my girl bestfriend I talk to but never long enough to really talk to her . I guess it is all this big messed up thing I call My Life . You know that song with those lyrics that go I just wanna be loved for me , smile for me , and do me by that black girl yh u know it . I really just need a Restart ! A big Restart ! Love You Guys !

Recently

Did you see the picture ? , then this blog post needs no introduction .

This is me on the daily like seriously I am still wondering why people talk to me still
I mean like seriously I am surrounded by beautiful girls , people with style , couples , people who are so much better me and no matter how much I ate the feeling I feel ugly n weird and awkward ! Sigh ! I keep praying I'll change I keep wanting to just  skip school cause I feel  like I just gonna die from complete embarrassment one day like homecoming is soon and i swear almost
all my friends have dates my main friends anyway ... 
You know what i really hate the fact that i compare myself to all the girls especially my friends i hate walking beside them.
If i ever drop out of school it was because i got tired of being the ugly one in the group . 
Smh i guess i just want to stop feeling out of place when i around people 
I mean it was this girls birthday today  and you should have seen everything she got the amount of people she had saying happy birthday i guess itz called jealousy right ive never had that awesome feeling of just being loved missed i mean i have about 5 friends who id know for sure wud cry if i die but i know half the other people i know wud nt give two shits about me . 
I am so happy i have six days free and 
I plan to sleep sleep and cry while sleeping . 
Goodnite 

SEPT 24,2013

So today was like any other day I guess , I mean I walked around in the still unfamiliar school called Wheeler , watched my friends talk and hug people they have known forever , sat around in my first two classes blank as ever just feeling as though I might crack from the pressure of confusion and fought the tears (yh I always wanna cry for some reason) . Anybody got the friend who seems like there some amazing person with no problems and is just happy .. Well I do and I worry because I know the path she might be going down and I know how awful it is and how "dark" it is luckily God sent my a wonderful person to help me back up and pull me out  (I love him for that Im sorry that shit messed our friendship up)  I need for God to send that to her . Im always gonna be there for her but I know what she needs isnt just anyone but someone who can her smile no matter what wrong ( Dammit now im thinking of him , that sucks) . I hate when my friends hurt like my other friend more like sister / partner in crime her bf or now ex bf i guess idk but he hurt her n I can't handle knowing shes in another country and I can't beat the shit out of the guy  so it added to my crying last nite ( it was mainly cuz my phone was acting like a crack head and also cuz the first friend I mentioned was upset) and I can't really help because every guy i dated i broke up with and the two dudes who took my heart and messed with it  just are there so idk what it really feels like to hav a guy break your heart smh all Im saying is Today was filled with alot of thinking not nessicarily about me but mre about the people who if sumthn were to happen to them id be so out of it for years.. There are only four girls who id ever trust with my life and three of them are in the another time zone . I hate thinking ( if you notice my blogs fill with a thousand toughts all out of place ) . Well Goodnite !   

I know my writing is suckish n stuff im using my phone ill fix it ltr

The way I hurt myself

     Most people hurt themselves by cutting and by overdosing but me I'm like the few who let one mistake repeat in different ways . I  tell myself no not again I'm done with this chapter of my life but give me a few weeks I'll go back and I'll make the mistake again . Today at lunch which was like 5 minutes ago ( yh I'm blogging in school) I saw a girl who cut herself multiple times but unlike other she didn't hide she wore short sleeves and as comfortable , I said even she has more confidence than me . I mean I know my hurt is on the inside but I always hide it with a fake smile and a fake laugh , I  put on cute outfits and do my hair all neat and I never tell a soul (unless your one of two people) because I have my WALL . I love my wall because it has helped with keeping from hurting myself but I hate because I feel like I'm not genuinely enjoying my life . So lets back track to last night when I made a huge mistake , I couldn't help but feel that pain today , people asked was I okay of course I lied but one knew no matter how many okays I give I'm hurting . This is why I Thank God for the people in my life stayed even those who drifted but always return at the right time , the people who I can actually genuinely say I miss you or I love you .
     So that is the first way I hurt myself , the second is forgiveness . I have a hard time forgiving others and myself . For instance my father now referred to as my donor , I mean we all know the story of the bad dad .. but mine never started that way every Christmas,every birthday, every once in awhile i got a call or text or even a visit . Then it became every few years and soon never he wouldn't even pick up the phone . I can forgive him for small things but he shouldn't have been there while I was a child he should have either never came at all r never left , and I can't forgive him for all the broken promises and I blame him for my lack of strength sometimes I never ever had a male figure in my life someone who could teach me to get back up when I am down I guess that's probably why I take onto all  my brothers a.k.a guy friends . I can also blame him for my poor choice in guys , my very poor choice in guys because again all I know is what I learn and what I've learned is guys suck and you can't trust them so that's what I except the minute things  shift in my relationships . The one relationship I had with Isaiah in the 8th grade and that one with Dominic in the 8th grade and the month I had with Sean in the 9th grade ( so yh for everyone who didn't know , there was a Sean) they all were somewhat douches and i left them all as soon as things got bad i regret nothing with any though , and there's my sorry sorry stupid crush , that is the 2nd worst thing in my life currently but anyway forgiveness for my father is just not coming anytime soon. I can't forgive myself for half the stuff I do to people and sometimes they already forgave me .
     I probably have many more ways of hurting myself like not eating , pushing people away , sleeping as often as possible and keeping secrets  from those who should know . Just saying I'm not perfect matter  of fact nowhere close .

Sadness

What is Sadness ?
   Dictionary.com defines sad as affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful . I define sad as a darkness that creeps over all the good memories in your life making them seem like they never happened , causing you to have nothing to stop crying .

          For the last couple of days i have been sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole of my problems .. I know it sounds selfish and everything but everyday something reminded me of a problem I am having or recently got over . I hate talking about myself and my problem because I feel like im being selfish complaining and being sad  because i know their are people worse off  but i just cant help break down and cry ; and today I finally did . I cried till my tears were no more, till my face looked puffy and my eyes were red , till my shirt was soaked , till i could not even finish my homework , I was lucky to have no one around when it happened or I would have been questioned for mental stability ,yh it was that bad . I am not sorry though it was about time for a good really really good cry ! I always feel better after crying cause i feel like a weight is lifted from my mind even if the darkness still clouds most of my great memories I can remember a few such as the trip to Jamaica earlier this year ( that one amazing beautiful glorious awesome Friday with my best friend and others ) . I wish I had more like that more HOME more FRIENDS more SMILING less BULLYING less HURTING less EVERYTHING ...... 
         I always know when it is about time for a good cry . I tend to wear extra bright colors , but enjoy dark things like sitting in the dark  ( as you can see below ) and watching scary things . I also don't eat or want to move or want to talk .. I barely wanted to write this post . Anyway I'm glad  got a lot of that off  my chest maybe today will be a new day a better day a happy day ... (thought about Sister Act 2) ..... 

To all who view this and follow my blog ( if you view and dont follow u make no sense)en
xxRaevenxx

Sophomore Year and Popularity

So next week this time i will be sitting in a classroom ,I should be in third block or maybe fourth I forgot . It will be start of sophomore year . This year I want to be different . Freshman year I had just migrated and felt awful all year and did a lot of crying . All I ever wanted to do was talk to my friends in Jamaica . I always was feeling left out , slow , alone , and like I would never fit in . This year I want new friends , mainly cause I've learned to accept that I'm not going back home and that these people are going to be with me till 2016 and maybe longer , this year I don't want to come off as the lonely depressed girl who hates everybody also this year I want to be happy. Last year I remember how most off August and September I cried like my world was ending plus a lot of time afterwards . Some people saw as the girl with anger issues , the girl with a mouth , the girl who pops pills and I hated that so much but could never change it . Freshman year I did a lot of trying ( if that's the right word ) ; I tried to fit in , I tried to be someone I wasn't and this is going sound stupid but I also tried to make enemies . I know I'm stupid !! I did all of that so I could be popular . Following other people and making fake friends isn't what I wanted . I just really wanted to fit in . I was the new girl . All these people had already made theirs friend and had their social circles I just wanted to not feel so alone all the time (even though i still ended up feeling that way) . I'm gonna change though , popularity wont be my priority .

Bring me to my next point What is Popularity ??
The oxford dictionary defines popularity as the state or condition of being liked, admired, or supported by many people 
Well five awesome friends is many to me and they like me or we would not be friends .. 
So just cause my whole school doesn't know my name doesn't mean I'm not important or liked and I'm gonna put that into effect this year . 

Look out Wheeler High School Raeven Rodney Sophomore New and Improved <3 <3 

Friendships

So Ive had a few friendships in my life . In prep school i had three friends D.B , A.B & T.C . By sixth grade T.C had kinda moved on but none of us talk anymore D.B became a mean girl towards me . All Im saying is i hated prep school anyway.
Today Ive got another three girls R.T ,J.H. & T.M . T.M is suppose to be my best friend but sometimes I wonder if the distance is getting to us . J.M & R.T those are my girls i can't do much without telling them .
Sometimes distance gets to us too . I wont elaborate on the problems in my friendships cuz
1.They will end up reading this
2. Why talk about something you cant fix
3. I love their stupid crazy butts either way
I hav big bros Mikey , Smiley and Alex and just bros JJ , i had another but nt anymre . I really love having these great people in my life plus a few others and then theres the whole M.C thing . He my guy best friend/crush . Sigh . Its every girl's worse nightmare the guy they could talk to becomes they guy they talk about ... I hope to never lose these awesome ppl but sometimes I wonder why I feel alone all the time .. I guess its truly because ive just migrated and still havent made solid friendships i made one first semester named Niki she was kl and she knows about M.C but i think i might have annoyed her another reason for the wall ( i cant annoy ppl with my problems ) but all my people are in Jamaica my home and becuz of the time dif school dif everything is just so complicated . Ill figure everything out eventually . It will take time !!!

¿ Questions ?

So I was lying around waiting to fall asleep when i started thinking about him </3 . I tought how everyone says you just really love him Rae . Can bretrayl and lies topped with sweet words be love ? Can the crying and pain be love ? Maybe I did love him but I cant possibly anymore I mean can I ? Everytime we talk idk what to feel ; happy , mad , sad , hurt , loved , INLOVE .... What is it ? Why do I still fall for his tricks and games ? Why am I crying over a guy whos not even mine ? Why am I asking why? Everyone seems to move on after crushes so why cant I ? Why has he got a grip on my heart ? Why cant he see the hurt ? Why should he care ? Why should anyone care ? Why do I care , Silly Silly girl why do you refuse to get hurt ? It's funny cause the people who know about him say they care , Do They ? Do they just think i stupid and or desperate ? Why should it matter ? I know the answer to question .. Why I have a wall ? My wall will keep me from opening up to people and him .. So No one has to be burden or annyoned by me and i can keep my distance from him . Do you know what he said about the wall ? I asked him if i had a wall would he wait to be let it . Why did i ask him ? His reply "Id break the wall down !" . Why did he say thay ? Why do I hurt? Smh