Junior Year

Haven't been here in awhile .............

So my summer started 48 days ago and with less than a month to go till it starts again I decided it's time for my "list of  things I hope to accomplish this school year but probably won't" list! I'm like that person with the new year's resolution list where the year keeps getting crossed and changed to the next year. It's pathetic I know.

So it is my Junior year of high school which basically means S.A.Ts , Labs , Colleges Decisions , Preparing for Senior Project , Physics and a JOB. Can you say stress? Okay now say it 5x fast , underwater in the middle of the ocean. I could barely stay focused on writing this , between the last sentence and this one I went on instagram like some pics, posted a pic, replied to some comments, browsed facebook and sent a few messages and took some pictures; it's sad how short my attention span is. So I know this year is going to be tough.

I really do want to accomplish some things on my list this year though like #1. Love myself . I want to be able to wake up in the morning , walk past the mirror and not care wtf I look like. I want to get dressed for school once and be happy with it, not change six times because I'm thinking of what other people may think (I swear one thing I miss about going to school in Jamaica is the uniforms). I want to walk in the hall with confidence!! A little bit of my self-confidence/self-esteem is being restored piece by piece by a great friend (won't call him my best friend anymore it's too weird to say) but he can't do it all which means New Wardrobe, more clothes I'm comfortable in 24/7 (oh how my closet well be filled with skinny jeans and sweats) and I'm thinking about changing my hair we will see.

Number two on my list is better study habits . Like I skipped two exams this year because I knew I would never pass them even if I tried because I could barely remember what I learnt a week before imagine a whole semester and what college wants to see exempted all over a transcript. Also by Senior year I plan to do dual enrollment, I got accepted to start this year but I just don't think I can manage it this year. At Least by Senior year I should have a car which means I can get back and forth to the college and I will be done with S.A.Ts. I think taking college math while in high school will be really helpful because I can still come to my high school teachers if I have an issue. I can't get to Senior year though if I don't survive Junior year , so S.A.T prep starts as soon as I get home (I'm in Jamaica now), Math tutoring starts as soon a school starts back up and the phone will be retired every day between 4:30 and 8:00 to allow time for homework and studying. Binders , Binders and more Binders I don't care if I'm walking around school dragging my bag there will be a S.A.T binder , a Math binder , a Journalism Binder , a English Binder , a Writing binder , a Physics binder for sure .. I don't care you can't make it anywhere without working your ass off !!!!

The rest of my list isn't as important but as long as I have those first two in progress I'm sure I can make it.

I've also decided it's time to retire my life here in Jamaica it was fun while it lasted but I can tell everyone else is starting to move on so I can too. I can't keep living in the past and unfortunately this is my past. This will forever be my blood , the team I root for at olympics or anytime there's a Jamaican somewhere because I may not have been born Jamaican but I sure was raised Jamaican. I just won't be home as often and maybe I'll stop writing it on everything and maybe I will finally get rid of my stuff in the closets and drawers at Grandma's house, that kinda stuff. My friend's here will forever be my #DayOnes and hopefully atleast my three most important friendships will last right through college and adulthood even miles away #Tris&Rae #RJR and I don't have a hashtag for the last one but still  I really don't wanna lose that.
#Tris&Rae - We have been going strong since 6th grade. Our friendship is like a rollercoaster but I swear that's my lifesaver and my escape plan since my grandma loves her . I could never forget all the memories we've made including the fights because they just made me more reluctant to losing her.#Besties4Ever I hope!! She's the type of person you can't stay mad at because she makes my life awesome and gives pretty good advice !!
#RJR - Roianne, Jamiel and Raeven . The two El Instituto girls and the Belair brat ( joking I was never a brat). Okay so we've been friends since 7th grade not really sure how it happened though but we really became besties in 8th grade. Not much that I did that these girls didn't know about. They opened up a new side of me and I can never stop loving them for that. I hope to never lose the bond we have because it's a weird but fun one.
#WhoKnows - Ha. We became friends one year can't remember which one think it was 8th grade but it feels longer than that either way I'm glad we did . He became someone I could trust and depend on very fast and no matter how many emotions I go through he is still there (it's why I owe him a lot like half my life). Our friendship has been rocky but amazing and nothing like my other friendships and even if something does happen or we just start to drift apart I'll never forget the conversations (On that late night shit). He's the reason my smile came back and thats why he's best friend to me I just won't call him that.

That's it for now !!! Probably won't be back till August 3rd ( day before school start). Hope you enjoyed your journey through my mind.
- Rae's Thoughts

These are my thoughts aren't they ?

A friend of mine once wrote a post about me and in that post he wrote not everyone can make a crying girl smile and that is the truth , everyone can make a joke a get a laugh but what people fail to see is that I have a smile and then I have a fake smile . Usually a fake smile is something you give the girl you hate or the joke you still don't get but mine is what gets me through the day , all the fucked up shit that happens and all the times when i want to bust out in tears but can't . Anyway the post is not for me to tell you about but my fake smile ( it's in about 3 or 4 others) , this post is to tell you my recent idk discovery in my mind i guess .

I was sitting around just kind of thinking and I was on tumblr ( follow me @againstthisperfectstuff ) and I was like  Rae wtf  and then I was like your fucking up man ( yes I have full convos with myself) , so I sat there thinking I've tried on multiple occasions to forget him , to ignore him , to push him out of my life but I never could not that he tried to stop me at all if it was up to him I would be long gone . Anyway I kept asking myself why and then I thought about it not everyone affects me the way he does and by that I mean not everyone can make a crying girl smile . The story with this guy , we met like a two years ago I think and at first I kinda just tolerated him because he was nice but the we started talking and he became a great friend . Then shit happened some really awful stuff just kept happening over and over one after the other and I'm not sure if it was because I never told him about it or if he just really was the only person who stayed with me through it. It was like no one wanted to be around depressed Raeven seriously depressed Raeven not just sad Raeven and well after that I just kinda liked the vibe he gave off and for awhile I aspired to be like him - carefree - but we see where that ended up , like I was saying and  I have to admit  I started to like him , now I don't like a lot of boys actually I find most boys to be assholes I mean I'm sure some of them will eventually hit puberty and realize sex isn't life but until then I prefer being single . Damn I keep getting off track but yh I started to like him listening to my stupid friends I entertained the idea that he could like me back now I didn't want to date him but for some reason I wanted him to like me back . One day I told him how I felt and well remember how I said most guys are assholes well he treated it any immature asshole boy would like a JOKE. I mean yeah it pushed my self confidence down like a lot but i got over it the more I realized he wasn't a guy that I would date . Still for some reason I wanted to talk to him and be around him , the reason i know now is because not everyone can make a crying girl smile .


Now here we are April 2014 , in the middle of another attempt to forget him but really more of an attempt to clear my head cause I'm really not talking to anyone but my two best friends. Right now I know a lot about this guy a lot to make me realize I never like him in a relationship sense that was all my friends I liked him because he was something different in my life but now it's all screwed up because I base all my relationships off my experience with this guy , if I could kill my friends I would , they kept fucking saying he likes you Rae or you know you really like him Rae now of course I could blame him too but you cant be mad at someone for being nice . It's all just messed up when I felt he didn't like me back I tried to change me, when that didn't work I just tried to tolerate all his bullshit and trust me there is a lot he does that would make you question why I am even friends with him ( still learning new things) . The problem though is that I see this guy as someone you would call a guy best friend (although to him I'm fam) and whenever I have a issue I want to tell him first ( at one point my friends would tell each other don't know what's wrong with Rae ask (insert his name here) ) and at first it would because he listens and didn't judge and always had the simplest answer to things but now that simple answer irritates me and I no longer want to be carefree because there are the people who try to live life not giving a fuck about anything but then are the people who have feelings and emotions and have realised that not everything in life can get the same monotone reaction . Oh but yeah the problem is still want to go to him first , I still want to always talk to him and I still want to be around him idk but like I said his presence brings something different and many people can continue to tell me Rae you like him or even Rae you love him but I will continue to reply bitch stfu if I loved this dude I would know because I did love someone once and this is not how it felt , I think it is I crave a guy best friend ( they give a different perspective on things) and he is really close to fitting the match and although he well never be that cause not even he could accept such responsibility I will forever refer to him as that his my mind -past or present.

From The Wonderful World of Raeven
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A New Blog

With writing and pursuing a career in Journalism when I get older becoming to new passions in my life I have also taken a new interest in Spoken Word . Wow the words passion and interest maybe I finally finding my place in this messed up world . I think I have watched almost every spoken word on youtube and I have started to right my own . Someone day I will get a camera and actually make videos but for now I will post them here

Hey Guys !!

Hey , it would mean alot to me if you guys go read my story

wattpad.com/35732649?utm_source=web:reading&utm_medium=link&ref_id=19335545

You have to copy the link into your browser cause the blogger link isn't working

Thanks

Do you hear what I hear ?

So today in church we were talking about "When do you hear God ?"
The question was "In what situation have you felt like God was telling you something?"

Everyone had an answer , some people had two and I'm just sitting here like Raeven why don't you have an answer . I started to scare myself , have I never heard God the way these people have . I thought to myself of course you have but I couldn't find a situation , I could think of anything .  Like someone said when she was in a compromising situation he felt Him giving her directions to get so I thought have I ever heard him helping with something but I couldn't and someone else said when it was exam time she felt Him telling her to be calm . Nope never felt that either ! I was really worried !
But then someone talked about how their many attempts to suicide failed and every time afterwards there was a sign of music and she realized that He was telling her that she need to bless people with her music , then it hit me I was thinking of the everyday situations I have experienced not the situations where he would have spoken to me in such a way that I knew it was him .
I raised my hand and said "I remember when I was at my lowest point in life and I couldn't think of doing anything but crying and I got in trouble at school as often a I could just so I could stay away from the people hurting me and one day I was by myself ready to just cry again and happened to see a scripture and it just happened to apply to my situation and I just felt like God was waiting for this opportunity when I was so open that I could really hear what he was telling me." Everyone clapped and I sat down but it was almost as if God was talking to me right then and there telling me to stop bottling up my emotions , these people around are here to comfort me and make me feel loved , that's why he has put them in my life . The conversation changed to "How do you know it was the Lord?" How do you know , you know by the feeling you get afterwards .

I felt so comfortable I did something new , Rev.Don asked for all the writers or aspiring writers to come forward and usually I stay in my seat at the back but I got up . His assignment was to write a spoken word or poem response to the statement "Do you hear what I hear? . We went to work everyone was just typing away or writing away and I'm just here like what do I write , the all of a sudden my fingers were typing , my thoughts were flowing , I took all the situations in which you could hear God and I made them into a poem . Unfortunately , I couldn't finish because I started late but I did a few lines . So when my turn came I said

People started snapping when I was done , people were saying that was really good , I thought it wasn't nearly as good as they said but it felt good to know it made sense to someone else but me . Anyway the message to take from this blog post is the no matter who you follow God or Allah or whoever , sometimes it feels good to go back and think of when they made a difference on your life .