The way I hurt myself

     Most people hurt themselves by cutting and by overdosing but me I'm like the few who let one mistake repeat in different ways . I  tell myself no not again I'm done with this chapter of my life but give me a few weeks I'll go back and I'll make the mistake again . Today at lunch which was like 5 minutes ago ( yh I'm blogging in school) I saw a girl who cut herself multiple times but unlike other she didn't hide she wore short sleeves and as comfortable , I said even she has more confidence than me . I mean I know my hurt is on the inside but I always hide it with a fake smile and a fake laugh , I  put on cute outfits and do my hair all neat and I never tell a soul (unless your one of two people) because I have my WALL . I love my wall because it has helped with keeping from hurting myself but I hate because I feel like I'm not genuinely enjoying my life . So lets back track to last night when I made a huge mistake , I couldn't help but feel that pain today , people asked was I okay of course I lied but one knew no matter how many okays I give I'm hurting . This is why I Thank God for the people in my life stayed even those who drifted but always return at the right time , the people who I can actually genuinely say I miss you or I love you .
     So that is the first way I hurt myself , the second is forgiveness . I have a hard time forgiving others and myself . For instance my father now referred to as my donor , I mean we all know the story of the bad dad .. but mine never started that way every Christmas,every birthday, every once in awhile i got a call or text or even a visit . Then it became every few years and soon never he wouldn't even pick up the phone . I can forgive him for small things but he shouldn't have been there while I was a child he should have either never came at all r never left , and I can't forgive him for all the broken promises and I blame him for my lack of strength sometimes I never ever had a male figure in my life someone who could teach me to get back up when I am down I guess that's probably why I take onto all  my brothers a.k.a guy friends . I can also blame him for my poor choice in guys , my very poor choice in guys because again all I know is what I learn and what I've learned is guys suck and you can't trust them so that's what I except the minute things  shift in my relationships . The one relationship I had with Isaiah in the 8th grade and that one with Dominic in the 8th grade and the month I had with Sean in the 9th grade ( so yh for everyone who didn't know , there was a Sean) they all were somewhat douches and i left them all as soon as things got bad i regret nothing with any though , and there's my sorry sorry stupid crush , that is the 2nd worst thing in my life currently but anyway forgiveness for my father is just not coming anytime soon. I can't forgive myself for half the stuff I do to people and sometimes they already forgave me .
     I probably have many more ways of hurting myself like not eating , pushing people away , sleeping as often as possible and keeping secrets  from those who should know . Just saying I'm not perfect matter  of fact nowhere close .