In the Land Of Never

    My "nevers" can go on forever , I mean most can ! Only rich people can tell u there "Never" list is short and simple . Only difference to my never list and most others is the fact that the most important things only my never list are not material things . There are three things I always hoped for 1.A Family 2.A Bestfriend 3.To Find A Guy Who Doesn't look at me to judge me
     A Family ? I know Family is people realated to you by  blood and things of that matter but I want a family a father not a donor , a man to teach me how to be strong . I have a mom and even then I moved away when I was six and came back after I was 14 . I love her and I know she tells me she loves me and wanted me but how can you intenionally bring a child into the world knowing they wont have a father . A brother or sister doesnt really count but I kinda really would have liked someone I could of talked to when I feeling this way .
     A Bestfriend? I guess I have best friends but no bestfriend , by this I mean I have friend who I can trust and can hang out with but no one who Ive known forever or made thousands of memeories with , no one who I can say oh me and them go way back , no one I can cry to when I really feel like crap and no for sure there not going to be annoyed . I really feel so awful recently cause everyone around me seems to have a bestfriend . I mean i can never keep a friend anyone I get close too just either fades away, never gets close enough or I fade away . People say why are you crying over not having a bestfriend ? I can't give them a reason it just there that awful empty feeling I get in my heart when im crying or even when im so happy and want to tell someone I can't . I have one of the worlds greatest friends I always know shes around but it different itz like all those moments I was getting cussed at and she played a role in the background or the fact she never told me about her boyfriend .. I guess I can't blame her I never liked the guy  or the facy right  here I am typing it instead of telling her .
     A Guy Who Likes Me for Me ? Ive had guy friends all the time but never a guy I knew cause I liked them. All my guy friends are liked brothers and itz always been that way except one guy who made friends with me and I liked him but it came with pain 1.he was taken 2. i was moving 3.he didnt like me like that , the last one I knew like it was always there but I still let it get me , everythings all good now though i realized how stupid I was sounding ,  now hes just a great guyfriend who i talk too when I need a GOOD laugh ! But besides that I never really liked any guy I was friends with , now yh ive been in relationships but they all were a epic fails that lasted a month the most and I talk to no one of those guys now . I want a guy who sees me in the hallway and says she is cute let me make friends with her and actually purses that thought . But apparently acccording to the people I call friends I can be mean and unaproacble and accoring the most of the guys at my school im okay when it come to looks . And all my friend are pretty , beautiful ,
gorgeous anything synonyms  you can think of too those words !  Yeah u heard Im fucking jealous , I keep saying Rae you will grow into your body , Rae your time well come well i hit puberty in the six grade im in 10th now why the hell did I get left out . And okay if I am ugly then why cant I find a guy who likes ugly !
     Sigh , Sometimes i try hard to simle at the hard stuff but I cant be strong all the time .