Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW !

New , No matter what language what you speak; Spanish , French, Nepali,Chinese, you know what new means. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines new as not old : recently born, built, or created. The Oxford online dictionary defines new as not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time . That's exactly what I plan to do for 2014 , be the person that no one new exist , I won't be the old me anymore , and people are going to discover something new about me . 

I hate the way I was this year so depressing and saying all these awful things about myself , never believing in anything , never wishing for anything good , staying in my comfort zone  and it wasn't just this year last year too but this time I am going to do something about it . I know I've said it before , I know I've tried to before but this time I really want to try and change for the better . I'm going to try to be a better person for myself and for the people around me . 

First Step is always admitting there is problem , most of the times I can say to myself Rae you need to stop hurting yourself but other times I ignore what I  am doing and just kind of let it become apart of my daily routine 1.Shower 2.Comment on how awful your body is 3.Brush teeth or 1.Do history homework 2.Tell yourself your worthless 3.Make dinner ,i mean that's basically how my day goes sadly but Today; right here, I will admit I Raeven have self-confidence issue and suffer from medium-levels of depression .

Second Step is too Go Shopping , for clothes that are cute but that also keep me comfortable . Everyday I get up and I put on clothes , I really don't care how I look . My hair I brush it , that's about it , I mean I do more than that but it really just looks brushed . I don't wear make-up , at all ! Maybe once a week ,twice a month do I put an outfit together and consider it cute. I want thing to change I want to like everything I wear and stop just wearing jacket over everything even in summer , yh ! I want to feel comfortable if someone is looking at me because if I don't , I will always be tense and never accept a compliment . So once I get enough money I will go shopping .

Third Step step out my comfort zone shoot not step but fly out my comfort zone. For awhile now maybe two years I have done nothing new , I dress the same ,I eat he same foods at school , I play the same games , I talk to the same people , I do everything the same it is time for something Nuovo . It is time to take more risk not I could kill myself risk but the I could find something new I like risk .

Fourth Step is to Change my attitude towards things that hurt me . Everything time I get hurt I just use it as a reason to feel sorry myself and to create a deeper whole inside me but it is time to stop ; from now on I will use it to build myself up , to make myself stronger ! If "plan A" doesn't work who cares the alphabet has 25 more letters.

Fifth Step is to open my heart back up; see this ------>[_____] ( imagine there's a top) , it is my wall , well it is coming down not all the way but partially . I hide too much and tend to stay in corners , how I am suppose to make new friends if my wall is there . My heart well it may take time to open up due the fact it is in about a million and one pieces ( fake friendship and failed crushes )  but I want be able to trust again and believe people who say they love me . Just a bit gotta learn to stop being afraid to get hurt .

Sixth Step is to except who and what I have in my life . There are some really awesome people in my life , who keep me smiling no matter what (most times ) . I don't really want to put there names in here but they should know who they are and how much it is I LOVE THEM . Sometimes I will say I have no real friends , or no one who has always got my back but that's the biggest lie I could ever tell . There are 6 people who I would probably die for if they needed me too , I would !! Matter of fact if i sent you the link to this that probably means your one of these people . To all I promise to stop ignoring you guys and/or treating you like crap . 

Seventh Step : GO back to being ME ; since my downfall I've been acting less like myself everyday whether if was trying to hard to fit in or saying something I probably really didn't mean . With the help of everything above I really think I an be me again  . I have been the 'broken" one for too long now , I am gonna be a light for all to see and maybe other people can learn from me .

So That is my New Years Resolution , I know most people bullshit theirs but I am going to really try hard to do this and if you know me then work with me please or like this if you think I can if you don't know me still like , just saying ! Happy New Years To All and heres to a less shitty and Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW  2014 !!!
  

In the Land Of Never

    My "nevers" can go on forever , I mean most can ! Only rich people can tell u there "Never" list is short and simple . Only difference to my never list and most others is the fact that the most important things only my never list are not material things . There are three things I always hoped for 1.A Family 2.A Bestfriend 3.To Find A Guy Who Doesn't look at me to judge me
     A Family ? I know Family is people realated to you by  blood and things of that matter but I want a family a father not a donor , a man to teach me how to be strong . I have a mom and even then I moved away when I was six and came back after I was 14 . I love her and I know she tells me she loves me and wanted me but how can you intenionally bring a child into the world knowing they wont have a father . A brother or sister doesnt really count but I kinda really would have liked someone I could of talked to when I feeling this way .
     A Bestfriend? I guess I have best friends but no bestfriend , by this I mean I have friend who I can trust and can hang out with but no one who Ive known forever or made thousands of memeories with , no one who I can say oh me and them go way back , no one I can cry to when I really feel like crap and no for sure there not going to be annoyed . I really feel so awful recently cause everyone around me seems to have a bestfriend . I mean i can never keep a friend anyone I get close too just either fades away, never gets close enough or I fade away . People say why are you crying over not having a bestfriend ? I can't give them a reason it just there that awful empty feeling I get in my heart when im crying or even when im so happy and want to tell someone I can't . I have one of the worlds greatest friends I always know shes around but it different itz like all those moments I was getting cussed at and she played a role in the background or the fact she never told me about her boyfriend .. I guess I can't blame her I never liked the guy  or the facy right  here I am typing it instead of telling her .
     A Guy Who Likes Me for Me ? Ive had guy friends all the time but never a guy I knew cause I liked them. All my guy friends are liked brothers and itz always been that way except one guy who made friends with me and I liked him but it came with pain 1.he was taken 2. i was moving 3.he didnt like me like that , the last one I knew like it was always there but I still let it get me , everythings all good now though i realized how stupid I was sounding ,  now hes just a great guyfriend who i talk too when I need a GOOD laugh ! But besides that I never really liked any guy I was friends with , now yh ive been in relationships but they all were a epic fails that lasted a month the most and I talk to no one of those guys now . I want a guy who sees me in the hallway and says she is cute let me make friends with her and actually purses that thought . But apparently acccording to the people I call friends I can be mean and unaproacble and accoring the most of the guys at my school im okay when it come to looks . And all my friend are pretty , beautiful ,
gorgeous anything synonyms  you can think of too those words !  Yeah u heard Im fucking jealous , I keep saying Rae you will grow into your body , Rae your time well come well i hit puberty in the six grade im in 10th now why the hell did I get left out . And okay if I am ugly then why cant I find a guy who likes ugly !
     Sigh , Sometimes i try hard to simle at the hard stuff but I cant be strong all the time .