SEPT 24,2013

So today was like any other day I guess , I mean I walked around in the still unfamiliar school called Wheeler , watched my friends talk and hug people they have known forever , sat around in my first two classes blank as ever just feeling as though I might crack from the pressure of confusion and fought the tears (yh I always wanna cry for some reason) . Anybody got the friend who seems like there some amazing person with no problems and is just happy .. Well I do and I worry because I know the path she might be going down and I know how awful it is and how "dark" it is luckily God sent my a wonderful person to help me back up and pull me out  (I love him for that Im sorry that shit messed our friendship up)  I need for God to send that to her . Im always gonna be there for her but I know what she needs isnt just anyone but someone who can her smile no matter what wrong ( Dammit now im thinking of him , that sucks) . I hate when my friends hurt like my other friend more like sister / partner in crime her bf or now ex bf i guess idk but he hurt her n I can't handle knowing shes in another country and I can't beat the shit out of the guy  so it added to my crying last nite ( it was mainly cuz my phone was acting like a crack head and also cuz the first friend I mentioned was upset) and I can't really help because every guy i dated i broke up with and the two dudes who took my heart and messed with it  just are there so idk what it really feels like to hav a guy break your heart smh all Im saying is Today was filled with alot of thinking not nessicarily about me but mre about the people who if sumthn were to happen to them id be so out of it for years.. There are only four girls who id ever trust with my life and three of them are in the another time zone . I hate thinking ( if you notice my blogs fill with a thousand toughts all out of place ) . Well Goodnite !   

I know my writing is suckish n stuff im using my phone ill fix it ltr

The way I hurt myself

     Most people hurt themselves by cutting and by overdosing but me I'm like the few who let one mistake repeat in different ways . I  tell myself no not again I'm done with this chapter of my life but give me a few weeks I'll go back and I'll make the mistake again . Today at lunch which was like 5 minutes ago ( yh I'm blogging in school) I saw a girl who cut herself multiple times but unlike other she didn't hide she wore short sleeves and as comfortable , I said even she has more confidence than me . I mean I know my hurt is on the inside but I always hide it with a fake smile and a fake laugh , I  put on cute outfits and do my hair all neat and I never tell a soul (unless your one of two people) because I have my WALL . I love my wall because it has helped with keeping from hurting myself but I hate because I feel like I'm not genuinely enjoying my life . So lets back track to last night when I made a huge mistake , I couldn't help but feel that pain today , people asked was I okay of course I lied but one knew no matter how many okays I give I'm hurting . This is why I Thank God for the people in my life stayed even those who drifted but always return at the right time , the people who I can actually genuinely say I miss you or I love you .
     So that is the first way I hurt myself , the second is forgiveness . I have a hard time forgiving others and myself . For instance my father now referred to as my donor , I mean we all know the story of the bad dad .. but mine never started that way every Christmas,every birthday, every once in awhile i got a call or text or even a visit . Then it became every few years and soon never he wouldn't even pick up the phone . I can forgive him for small things but he shouldn't have been there while I was a child he should have either never came at all r never left , and I can't forgive him for all the broken promises and I blame him for my lack of strength sometimes I never ever had a male figure in my life someone who could teach me to get back up when I am down I guess that's probably why I take onto all  my brothers a.k.a guy friends . I can also blame him for my poor choice in guys , my very poor choice in guys because again all I know is what I learn and what I've learned is guys suck and you can't trust them so that's what I except the minute things  shift in my relationships . The one relationship I had with Isaiah in the 8th grade and that one with Dominic in the 8th grade and the month I had with Sean in the 9th grade ( so yh for everyone who didn't know , there was a Sean) they all were somewhat douches and i left them all as soon as things got bad i regret nothing with any though , and there's my sorry sorry stupid crush , that is the 2nd worst thing in my life currently but anyway forgiveness for my father is just not coming anytime soon. I can't forgive myself for half the stuff I do to people and sometimes they already forgave me .
     I probably have many more ways of hurting myself like not eating , pushing people away , sleeping as often as possible and keeping secrets  from those who should know . Just saying I'm not perfect matter  of fact nowhere close .