Junior Year

Haven't been here in awhile .............

So my summer started 48 days ago and with less than a month to go till it starts again I decided it's time for my "list of  things I hope to accomplish this school year but probably won't" list! I'm like that person with the new year's resolution list where the year keeps getting crossed and changed to the next year. It's pathetic I know.

So it is my Junior year of high school which basically means S.A.Ts , Labs , Colleges Decisions , Preparing for Senior Project , Physics and a JOB. Can you say stress? Okay now say it 5x fast , underwater in the middle of the ocean. I could barely stay focused on writing this , between the last sentence and this one I went on instagram like some pics, posted a pic, replied to some comments, browsed facebook and sent a few messages and took some pictures; it's sad how short my attention span is. So I know this year is going to be tough.

I really do want to accomplish some things on my list this year though like #1. Love myself . I want to be able to wake up in the morning , walk past the mirror and not care wtf I look like. I want to get dressed for school once and be happy with it, not change six times because I'm thinking of what other people may think (I swear one thing I miss about going to school in Jamaica is the uniforms). I want to walk in the hall with confidence!! A little bit of my self-confidence/self-esteem is being restored piece by piece by a great friend (won't call him my best friend anymore it's too weird to say) but he can't do it all which means New Wardrobe, more clothes I'm comfortable in 24/7 (oh how my closet well be filled with skinny jeans and sweats) and I'm thinking about changing my hair we will see.

Number two on my list is better study habits . Like I skipped two exams this year because I knew I would never pass them even if I tried because I could barely remember what I learnt a week before imagine a whole semester and what college wants to see exempted all over a transcript. Also by Senior year I plan to do dual enrollment, I got accepted to start this year but I just don't think I can manage it this year. At Least by Senior year I should have a car which means I can get back and forth to the college and I will be done with S.A.Ts. I think taking college math while in high school will be really helpful because I can still come to my high school teachers if I have an issue. I can't get to Senior year though if I don't survive Junior year , so S.A.T prep starts as soon as I get home (I'm in Jamaica now), Math tutoring starts as soon a school starts back up and the phone will be retired every day between 4:30 and 8:00 to allow time for homework and studying. Binders , Binders and more Binders I don't care if I'm walking around school dragging my bag there will be a S.A.T binder , a Math binder , a Journalism Binder , a English Binder , a Writing binder , a Physics binder for sure .. I don't care you can't make it anywhere without working your ass off !!!!

The rest of my list isn't as important but as long as I have those first two in progress I'm sure I can make it.

I've also decided it's time to retire my life here in Jamaica it was fun while it lasted but I can tell everyone else is starting to move on so I can too. I can't keep living in the past and unfortunately this is my past. This will forever be my blood , the team I root for at olympics or anytime there's a Jamaican somewhere because I may not have been born Jamaican but I sure was raised Jamaican. I just won't be home as often and maybe I'll stop writing it on everything and maybe I will finally get rid of my stuff in the closets and drawers at Grandma's house, that kinda stuff. My friend's here will forever be my #DayOnes and hopefully atleast my three most important friendships will last right through college and adulthood even miles away #Tris&Rae #RJR and I don't have a hashtag for the last one but still  I really don't wanna lose that.
#Tris&Rae - We have been going strong since 6th grade. Our friendship is like a rollercoaster but I swear that's my lifesaver and my escape plan since my grandma loves her . I could never forget all the memories we've made including the fights because they just made me more reluctant to losing her.#Besties4Ever I hope!! She's the type of person you can't stay mad at because she makes my life awesome and gives pretty good advice !!
#RJR - Roianne, Jamiel and Raeven . The two El Instituto girls and the Belair brat ( joking I was never a brat). Okay so we've been friends since 7th grade not really sure how it happened though but we really became besties in 8th grade. Not much that I did that these girls didn't know about. They opened up a new side of me and I can never stop loving them for that. I hope to never lose the bond we have because it's a weird but fun one.
#WhoKnows - Ha. We became friends one year can't remember which one think it was 8th grade but it feels longer than that either way I'm glad we did . He became someone I could trust and depend on very fast and no matter how many emotions I go through he is still there (it's why I owe him a lot like half my life). Our friendship has been rocky but amazing and nothing like my other friendships and even if something does happen or we just start to drift apart I'll never forget the conversations (On that late night shit). He's the reason my smile came back and thats why he's best friend to me I just won't call him that.

That's it for now !!! Probably won't be back till August 3rd ( day before school start). Hope you enjoyed your journey through my mind.
- Rae's Thoughts

These are my thoughts aren't they ?

A friend of mine once wrote a post about me and in that post he wrote not everyone can make a crying girl smile and that is the truth , everyone can make a joke a get a laugh but what people fail to see is that I have a smile and then I have a fake smile . Usually a fake smile is something you give the girl you hate or the joke you still don't get but mine is what gets me through the day , all the fucked up shit that happens and all the times when i want to bust out in tears but can't . Anyway the post is not for me to tell you about but my fake smile ( it's in about 3 or 4 others) , this post is to tell you my recent idk discovery in my mind i guess .

I was sitting around just kind of thinking and I was on tumblr ( follow me @againstthisperfectstuff ) and I was like  Rae wtf  and then I was like your fucking up man ( yes I have full convos with myself) , so I sat there thinking I've tried on multiple occasions to forget him , to ignore him , to push him out of my life but I never could not that he tried to stop me at all if it was up to him I would be long gone . Anyway I kept asking myself why and then I thought about it not everyone affects me the way he does and by that I mean not everyone can make a crying girl smile . The story with this guy , we met like a two years ago I think and at first I kinda just tolerated him because he was nice but the we started talking and he became a great friend . Then shit happened some really awful stuff just kept happening over and over one after the other and I'm not sure if it was because I never told him about it or if he just really was the only person who stayed with me through it. It was like no one wanted to be around depressed Raeven seriously depressed Raeven not just sad Raeven and well after that I just kinda liked the vibe he gave off and for awhile I aspired to be like him - carefree - but we see where that ended up , like I was saying and  I have to admit  I started to like him , now I don't like a lot of boys actually I find most boys to be assholes I mean I'm sure some of them will eventually hit puberty and realize sex isn't life but until then I prefer being single . Damn I keep getting off track but yh I started to like him listening to my stupid friends I entertained the idea that he could like me back now I didn't want to date him but for some reason I wanted him to like me back . One day I told him how I felt and well remember how I said most guys are assholes well he treated it any immature asshole boy would like a JOKE. I mean yeah it pushed my self confidence down like a lot but i got over it the more I realized he wasn't a guy that I would date . Still for some reason I wanted to talk to him and be around him , the reason i know now is because not everyone can make a crying girl smile .


Now here we are April 2014 , in the middle of another attempt to forget him but really more of an attempt to clear my head cause I'm really not talking to anyone but my two best friends. Right now I know a lot about this guy a lot to make me realize I never like him in a relationship sense that was all my friends I liked him because he was something different in my life but now it's all screwed up because I base all my relationships off my experience with this guy , if I could kill my friends I would , they kept fucking saying he likes you Rae or you know you really like him Rae now of course I could blame him too but you cant be mad at someone for being nice . It's all just messed up when I felt he didn't like me back I tried to change me, when that didn't work I just tried to tolerate all his bullshit and trust me there is a lot he does that would make you question why I am even friends with him ( still learning new things) . The problem though is that I see this guy as someone you would call a guy best friend (although to him I'm fam) and whenever I have a issue I want to tell him first ( at one point my friends would tell each other don't know what's wrong with Rae ask (insert his name here) ) and at first it would because he listens and didn't judge and always had the simplest answer to things but now that simple answer irritates me and I no longer want to be carefree because there are the people who try to live life not giving a fuck about anything but then are the people who have feelings and emotions and have realised that not everything in life can get the same monotone reaction . Oh but yeah the problem is still want to go to him first , I still want to always talk to him and I still want to be around him idk but like I said his presence brings something different and many people can continue to tell me Rae you like him or even Rae you love him but I will continue to reply bitch stfu if I loved this dude I would know because I did love someone once and this is not how it felt , I think it is I crave a guy best friend ( they give a different perspective on things) and he is really close to fitting the match and although he well never be that cause not even he could accept such responsibility I will forever refer to him as that his my mind -past or present.

From The Wonderful World of Raeven
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A New Blog

With writing and pursuing a career in Journalism when I get older becoming to new passions in my life I have also taken a new interest in Spoken Word . Wow the words passion and interest maybe I finally finding my place in this messed up world . I think I have watched almost every spoken word on youtube and I have started to right my own . Someone day I will get a camera and actually make videos but for now I will post them here

Hey Guys !!

Hey , it would mean alot to me if you guys go read my story

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You have to copy the link into your browser cause the blogger link isn't working

Thanks

Do you hear what I hear ?

So today in church we were talking about "When do you hear God ?"
The question was "In what situation have you felt like God was telling you something?"

Everyone had an answer , some people had two and I'm just sitting here like Raeven why don't you have an answer . I started to scare myself , have I never heard God the way these people have . I thought to myself of course you have but I couldn't find a situation , I could think of anything .  Like someone said when she was in a compromising situation he felt Him giving her directions to get so I thought have I ever heard him helping with something but I couldn't and someone else said when it was exam time she felt Him telling her to be calm . Nope never felt that either ! I was really worried !
But then someone talked about how their many attempts to suicide failed and every time afterwards there was a sign of music and she realized that He was telling her that she need to bless people with her music , then it hit me I was thinking of the everyday situations I have experienced not the situations where he would have spoken to me in such a way that I knew it was him .
I raised my hand and said "I remember when I was at my lowest point in life and I couldn't think of doing anything but crying and I got in trouble at school as often a I could just so I could stay away from the people hurting me and one day I was by myself ready to just cry again and happened to see a scripture and it just happened to apply to my situation and I just felt like God was waiting for this opportunity when I was so open that I could really hear what he was telling me." Everyone clapped and I sat down but it was almost as if God was talking to me right then and there telling me to stop bottling up my emotions , these people around are here to comfort me and make me feel loved , that's why he has put them in my life . The conversation changed to "How do you know it was the Lord?" How do you know , you know by the feeling you get afterwards .

I felt so comfortable I did something new , Rev.Don asked for all the writers or aspiring writers to come forward and usually I stay in my seat at the back but I got up . His assignment was to write a spoken word or poem response to the statement "Do you hear what I hear? . We went to work everyone was just typing away or writing away and I'm just here like what do I write , the all of a sudden my fingers were typing , my thoughts were flowing , I took all the situations in which you could hear God and I made them into a poem . Unfortunately , I couldn't finish because I started late but I did a few lines . So when my turn came I said

People started snapping when I was done , people were saying that was really good , I thought it wasn't nearly as good as they said but it felt good to know it made sense to someone else but me . Anyway the message to take from this blog post is the no matter who you follow God or Allah or whoever , sometimes it feels good to go back and think of when they made a difference on your life . 

Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW !

New , No matter what language what you speak; Spanish , French, Nepali,Chinese, you know what new means. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines new as not old : recently born, built, or created. The Oxford online dictionary defines new as not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time . That's exactly what I plan to do for 2014 , be the person that no one new exist , I won't be the old me anymore , and people are going to discover something new about me . 

I hate the way I was this year so depressing and saying all these awful things about myself , never believing in anything , never wishing for anything good , staying in my comfort zone  and it wasn't just this year last year too but this time I am going to do something about it . I know I've said it before , I know I've tried to before but this time I really want to try and change for the better . I'm going to try to be a better person for myself and for the people around me . 

First Step is always admitting there is problem , most of the times I can say to myself Rae you need to stop hurting yourself but other times I ignore what I  am doing and just kind of let it become apart of my daily routine 1.Shower 2.Comment on how awful your body is 3.Brush teeth or 1.Do history homework 2.Tell yourself your worthless 3.Make dinner ,i mean that's basically how my day goes sadly but Today; right here, I will admit I Raeven have self-confidence issue and suffer from medium-levels of depression .

Second Step is too Go Shopping , for clothes that are cute but that also keep me comfortable . Everyday I get up and I put on clothes , I really don't care how I look . My hair I brush it , that's about it , I mean I do more than that but it really just looks brushed . I don't wear make-up , at all ! Maybe once a week ,twice a month do I put an outfit together and consider it cute. I want thing to change I want to like everything I wear and stop just wearing jacket over everything even in summer , yh ! I want to feel comfortable if someone is looking at me because if I don't , I will always be tense and never accept a compliment . So once I get enough money I will go shopping .

Third Step step out my comfort zone shoot not step but fly out my comfort zone. For awhile now maybe two years I have done nothing new , I dress the same ,I eat he same foods at school , I play the same games , I talk to the same people , I do everything the same it is time for something Nuovo . It is time to take more risk not I could kill myself risk but the I could find something new I like risk .

Fourth Step is to Change my attitude towards things that hurt me . Everything time I get hurt I just use it as a reason to feel sorry myself and to create a deeper whole inside me but it is time to stop ; from now on I will use it to build myself up , to make myself stronger ! If "plan A" doesn't work who cares the alphabet has 25 more letters.

Fifth Step is to open my heart back up; see this ------>[_____] ( imagine there's a top) , it is my wall , well it is coming down not all the way but partially . I hide too much and tend to stay in corners , how I am suppose to make new friends if my wall is there . My heart well it may take time to open up due the fact it is in about a million and one pieces ( fake friendship and failed crushes )  but I want be able to trust again and believe people who say they love me . Just a bit gotta learn to stop being afraid to get hurt .

Sixth Step is to except who and what I have in my life . There are some really awesome people in my life , who keep me smiling no matter what (most times ) . I don't really want to put there names in here but they should know who they are and how much it is I LOVE THEM . Sometimes I will say I have no real friends , or no one who has always got my back but that's the biggest lie I could ever tell . There are 6 people who I would probably die for if they needed me too , I would !! Matter of fact if i sent you the link to this that probably means your one of these people . To all I promise to stop ignoring you guys and/or treating you like crap . 

Seventh Step : GO back to being ME ; since my downfall I've been acting less like myself everyday whether if was trying to hard to fit in or saying something I probably really didn't mean . With the help of everything above I really think I an be me again  . I have been the 'broken" one for too long now , I am gonna be a light for all to see and maybe other people can learn from me .

So That is my New Years Resolution , I know most people bullshit theirs but I am going to really try hard to do this and if you know me then work with me please or like this if you think I can if you don't know me still like , just saying ! Happy New Years To All and heres to a less shitty and Nuevo , 新 , Nouveau , नयाँ , Nuovo ,Nieuw - NEW  2014 !!!
  

In the Land Of Never

    My "nevers" can go on forever , I mean most can ! Only rich people can tell u there "Never" list is short and simple . Only difference to my never list and most others is the fact that the most important things only my never list are not material things . There are three things I always hoped for 1.A Family 2.A Bestfriend 3.To Find A Guy Who Doesn't look at me to judge me
     A Family ? I know Family is people realated to you by  blood and things of that matter but I want a family a father not a donor , a man to teach me how to be strong . I have a mom and even then I moved away when I was six and came back after I was 14 . I love her and I know she tells me she loves me and wanted me but how can you intenionally bring a child into the world knowing they wont have a father . A brother or sister doesnt really count but I kinda really would have liked someone I could of talked to when I feeling this way .
     A Bestfriend? I guess I have best friends but no bestfriend , by this I mean I have friend who I can trust and can hang out with but no one who Ive known forever or made thousands of memeories with , no one who I can say oh me and them go way back , no one I can cry to when I really feel like crap and no for sure there not going to be annoyed . I really feel so awful recently cause everyone around me seems to have a bestfriend . I mean i can never keep a friend anyone I get close too just either fades away, never gets close enough or I fade away . People say why are you crying over not having a bestfriend ? I can't give them a reason it just there that awful empty feeling I get in my heart when im crying or even when im so happy and want to tell someone I can't . I have one of the worlds greatest friends I always know shes around but it different itz like all those moments I was getting cussed at and she played a role in the background or the fact she never told me about her boyfriend .. I guess I can't blame her I never liked the guy  or the facy right  here I am typing it instead of telling her .
     A Guy Who Likes Me for Me ? Ive had guy friends all the time but never a guy I knew cause I liked them. All my guy friends are liked brothers and itz always been that way except one guy who made friends with me and I liked him but it came with pain 1.he was taken 2. i was moving 3.he didnt like me like that , the last one I knew like it was always there but I still let it get me , everythings all good now though i realized how stupid I was sounding ,  now hes just a great guyfriend who i talk too when I need a GOOD laugh ! But besides that I never really liked any guy I was friends with , now yh ive been in relationships but they all were a epic fails that lasted a month the most and I talk to no one of those guys now . I want a guy who sees me in the hallway and says she is cute let me make friends with her and actually purses that thought . But apparently acccording to the people I call friends I can be mean and unaproacble and accoring the most of the guys at my school im okay when it come to looks . And all my friend are pretty , beautiful ,
gorgeous anything synonyms  you can think of too those words !  Yeah u heard Im fucking jealous , I keep saying Rae you will grow into your body , Rae your time well come well i hit puberty in the six grade im in 10th now why the hell did I get left out . And okay if I am ugly then why cant I find a guy who likes ugly !
     Sigh , Sometimes i try hard to simle at the hard stuff but I cant be strong all the time .