A friend of mine once wrote a post about me and in that post he wrote not everyone can make a crying girl smile and that is the truth , everyone can make a joke a get a laugh but what people fail to see is that I have a smile and then I have a fake smile . Usually a fake smile is something you give the girl you hate or the joke you still don't get but mine is what gets me through the day , all the fucked up shit that happens and all the times when i want to bust out in tears but can't . Anyway the post is not for me to tell you about but my fake smile ( it's in about 3 or 4 others) , this post is to tell you my recent idk discovery in my mind i guess .
I was sitting around just kind of thinking and I was on tumblr ( follow me @againstthisperfectstuff ) and I was like Rae wtf and then I was like your fucking up man ( yes I have full convos with myself) , so I sat there thinking I've tried on multiple occasions to forget him , to ignore him , to push him out of my life but I never could not that he tried to stop me at all if it was up to him I would be long gone . Anyway I kept asking myself why and then I thought about it not everyone affects me the way he does and by that I mean not everyone can make a crying girl smile . The story with this guy , we met like a two years ago I think and at first I kinda just tolerated him because he was nice but the we started talking and he became a great friend . Then shit happened some really awful stuff just kept happening over and over one after the other and I'm not sure if it was because I never told him about it or if he just really was the only person who stayed with me through it. It was like no one wanted to be around depressed Raeven seriously depressed Raeven not just sad Raeven and well after that I just kinda liked the vibe he gave off and for awhile I aspired to be like him - carefree - but we see where that ended up , like I was saying and I have to admit I started to like him , now I don't like a lot of boys actually I find most boys to be assholes I mean I'm sure some of them will eventually hit puberty and realize sex isn't life but until then I prefer being single . Damn I keep getting off track but yh I started to like him listening to my stupid friends I entertained the idea that he could like me back now I didn't want to date him but for some reason I wanted him to like me back . One day I told him how I felt and well remember how I said most guys are assholes well he treated it any immature asshole boy would like a JOKE. I mean yeah it pushed my self confidence down like a lot but i got over it the more I realized he wasn't a guy that I would date . Still for some reason I wanted to talk to him and be around him , the reason i know now is because not everyone can make a crying girl smile .
Now here we are April 2014 , in the middle of another attempt to forget him but really more of an attempt to clear my head cause I'm really not talking to anyone but my two best friends. Right now I know a lot about this guy a lot to make me realize I never like him in a relationship sense that was all my friends I liked him because he was something different in my life but now it's all screwed up because I base all my relationships off my experience with this guy , if I could kill my friends I would , they kept fucking saying he likes you Rae or you know you really like him Rae now of course I could blame him too but you cant be mad at someone for being nice . It's all just messed up when I felt he didn't like me back I tried to change me, when that didn't work I just tried to tolerate all his bullshit and trust me there is a lot he does that would make you question why I am even friends with him ( still learning new things) . The problem though is that I see this guy as someone you would call a guy best friend (although to him I'm fam) and whenever I have a issue I want to tell him first ( at one point my friends would tell each other don't know what's wrong with Rae ask (insert his name here) ) and at first it would because he listens and didn't judge and always had the simplest answer to things but now that simple answer irritates me and I no longer want to be carefree because there are the people who try to live life not giving a fuck about anything but then are the people who have feelings and emotions and have realised that not everything in life can get the same monotone reaction . Oh but yeah the problem is still want to go to him first , I still want to always talk to him and I still want to be around him idk but like I said his presence brings something different and many people can continue to tell me Rae you like him or even Rae you love him but I will continue to reply bitch stfu if I loved this dude I would know because I did love someone once and this is not how it felt , I think it is I crave a guy best friend ( they give a different perspective on things) and he is really close to fitting the match and although he well never be that cause not even he could accept such responsibility I will forever refer to him as that his my mind -past or present.
From The Wonderful World of Raeven
xxxxxxxxx
